Bristol's New Head of Mass Transit
3 days ago
£65000–£85000 yearly
Full-time
Redcliffe, Bristol
Are you a master of the impossible? Do you possess an unparalleled talent for turning dreams into... well, slightly less achievable dreams? Can you navigate a labyrinth of red tape, cycle lanes, and perpetually optimistic infrastructure promises with a smile (or at least a convincing grimace)? And critically, can you convincingly argue the merits of a "Liveable Neighbourhood" to a resident who just spent an extra hour stuck in traffic trying to get home? If so, Bristol needs you!
We are seeking a truly exceptional individual to fill the newly created, utterly essential, and almost certainly doomed role of Head of Mass Transit for the Bristol Region. This isn't just a job; it's a spiritual journey into the heart of urban mobility chaos, a crusade against the tyranny of the internal combustion engine (unless it's an electric bus, then it's fine, probably), and a masterclass in community engagement... or lack thereof.
Key Responsibilities (and Our Secret Hopes):
Pioneer the Unpioneerable:
Develop and implement ground-breaking, revolutionary, and entirely hypothetical mass transit solutions that will finally – finally! – get Bristol moving. Think beyond the ordinary: perhaps a network of hot air balloons? A highly coordinated flock of carrier pigeons? The sky (and our budget) is not the limit.
Master of Illusion:
Artfully manage public expectations regarding punctuality, reliability, and the actual existence of said mass transit options. A strong background in interpretive dance or mime is a definite plus.
Budgetary Black Hole Wrangler:
Skillfully navigate a budget that can only be described as "aspirational," turning pennies into the promise of pounds, and pounds into a very polite apology. Experience in alchemy or advanced financial wizardry is highly desirable.
Cycle Lane Whisperer & Planter Placement Specialist:
Mediate the eternal struggle between cyclists, pedestrians, motorists, and strategically placed flora. You will be expected to defend the strategic rationale for diverting traffic onto main roads, even when those main roads resemble a car park. Bonus points if you can levitate over angry residents.
The Big Dig Enthusiast:
Enthusiastically oversee perpetual roadworks and traffic diversions, ensuring maximum disruption for minimum discernible progress. Your catchphrase should be "Just two more weeks!" for the next five years.
PR Magician:
Consistently spin negative news (e.g., another bus stuck under an impossibly low bridge, the latest "technical fault" with the one tram we almost built, or the inevitable public outcry over a new "Liveable Neighbourhood" scheme) into triumphs of resilient engineering and community spirit.
Future-Proofing Failure:
Design systems that are robust enough to fail spectacularly but in a way that looks intentional and forward-thinking.
Architect of Dreams (and Delays):
Champion visionary projects that will undoubtedly be celebrated as modern marvels in concept, then quietly shelved due to "unforeseen circumstances" or "badger-related planning issues."
Liveable Neighbourhood Alchemist:
Possess the unique ability to transform public frustration into grudging acceptance, demonstrating how increased journey times and displaced traffic are, in fact, "enhancing local community vibrancy" and "prioritising active travel" (even if the active travel involves walking an extra mile to avoid a strategically placed flowerpot). You must be able to eloquently articulate how schemes that have caused uproar in other UK cities will, in Bristol, somehow result in universal harmony and cleaner air.
Desired Skills & Experience:
Pathological Optimism:
Must possess an unwavering belief that Bristol's transport woes are solvable, despite all historical evidence to the contrary, and especially despite the palpable angst surrounding recent 'Liveable Neighbourhood' initiatives.
Advanced Jargon Proficiency:
Fluent in "modal shift," "intermodality," "sustainable urban mobility plans," and other terms that sound impressive but mean very little in practice, particularly when explaining why emergency services might take longer to reach a destination due to a "modal filter."
Iron Stomach:
Ability to consume endless lukewarm tea and digestive biscuits at public consultations while maintaining a facade of genuine interest, especially when being lambasted about bus gates and diverted traffic.
Crisis Management Black Belt:
Unflappable in the face of public outcry, media scrutiny, and the occasional spontaneous combustion of a double-decker, or a resident attempting to move a concrete planter with their bare hands.
Charisma (Optional, But Helpful):
Able to charm the pants off local councillors, even when presenting a plan that involves building a monorail to Weston-super-Mare, or explaining that the sudden lack of through-traffic in one street means another street is now permanently gridlocked.
A Sense of Humour:
Essential. You'll need it. Especially when discussing the "benefits" of traffic calming measures that have simply moved the problem elsewhere.
What We Offer:
A truly unique opportunity to make a lasting impression on Bristol's transport network (primarily through the permanent installation of new traffic cones and brightly coloured planters).
The chance to say you tried.
A desk near a window (if we can find one not overlooking more roadworks or a newly created traffic jam).
A salary commensurate with the monumental impossibility of the task.
The undying gratitude of precisely zero commuters, but perhaps a few very happy squirrels in the new pocket parks.
If you believe you have what it takes to bravely lead us into a future of marginally less gridlock, or at least a more organised gridlock, then please apply with a CV, a cover letter outlining your most ambitious (and least realistic) transport vision for Bristol, and a pre-emptive apology for all future delays and any unintended consequences of "improving" local neighbourhoods.
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